I AM BAD

I have become so bad at writing.
At keeping in touch.
At doing just about everything.
This includes everything related to friends and family.

It's like I'm having a melt down.
But still smiling.
It's all I can do to figure out what we are going to eat each day.

And it should be easier.
It really should.

I have "help" now, so I can actually shower alone, for the first time in four years. The first morning my helper started, she said, "do you want me to help the girls eat their breakfast so you can get ready?" I looked at her like she was from another planet. It never occurred to me that showering without at least one child screaming (Mads usually) and at least one child in the shower with me, would ever be possible. Not for many more years to come.

I now have ironed clothes in my closet, for the first time ever. I don't have to do the laundry anymore. I don't even have to cook meals. Or clean.

So what's my problem? I'm not sure, but I think it has to do with having three people depending on me to (a) take care of them and (b) make sure they have everything they need the moment they want it. And it's great I can now delegate, but my brain is foggy from four years of doing everything myself and getting no sleep. Hubs and I have an ongoing conversation about how long it should take for my body to get back to "normal" (which only means how long it will take before I'm not so exhausted). He seems to think it only takes a month. I think it's going to take about three more years.

And it seems that just when I stop worrying about something, another little something pops up that is all consuming.

Like the fact Chase has a rash. She has had a rash now for four days. It is bright red, splotchy and on her arms and legs. We've seen a doctor. He thinks it might be all the mosquito repellent I've been putting on Chase - every day. I've done rash research online and it says rashes can last up to four weeks. Egads. So we went to the fabric market today to buy cloth with which we can cover Chase up from head to toe. We've also sprayed for mosquitoes, which has made a huge difference.

Or maybe it's because we just moved and adjusting to this new life has been more stressful than I thought it would be - two kids is much harder than one.

Or maybe it's because Chase isn't happy at school. She complains she feels sick every morning before it's time to go. Or maybe it's because the school options here are crazy, there are two year wait lists for primary schools, ugh....

Anyway, I have to say that most of my friends have told me one becomes more relaxed with the second child. I don't believe this has happened to me. I feel like my worries and concerns have only increased - two kids to be responsible for! And I am still just as torn about spending any time away from Madoc. I feel like Chase has certainly come into her own (or at least is doing the best she can with her 4-year-old-ness), but she still needs so much from me (time, love, energy) all of which I am happy to give, but boy do I feel torn up inside about Mads (who is so sweet at this age!!!). Time away from Mads is time with Chase and vice versa. They play well together. Sleep together and fight together.