Sunday, July 05, 2009

It's Complicated.

I decided to wean Madoc this month. And then I changed my mind. I've worked so hard and come so far it's like I have a mental block against stopping; like I can't. But I want to. I want my body back - all to myself. Which strikes me as being so selfish. "C'mon woman, you can do this another5 months, right?" I keep saying to myself. It's only 5 more months. I've already given up everything for 6 months - and made all kinds of changes for the 9 months prior, so what's the big deal? I guess the big deal is that I've started to feel like I need to give myself a little tlc. I've been putting everyone first for so long. But then it's not fair that Madoc gets the short end of the stick. And so I will most likely continue. For Madoc - And because I am consumed with guilt that I want to stop. And so this post serves as a small window to show what goes through my mind. Daily. Hourly. I obsess about these things. And then I decide not to worry about them until tomorrow (very Scarlet O'hara) , but then I do.

Bottom line? Madoc looks great. She will do well either way. And I have the hardest time when I know the decision I make can not be reversed. I can't just take a week off. I can't even take a day off. And I need a break. But then, after the break, I know I will miss it. Somehow, I will miss ever last bit of it. I missed Chase the moment I realized I couldn't feed her anymore. So maybe I just won't make the decision today. Maybe I'll make it tomorrow.

I'm Getting Old

For the past week or so my feet have been tingling. My hands have been tingling. I've felt a weird, nervy sensation in my right arm up to my elbow. So I stopped wearing flip flops (good move, I should have done it ages ago), and I started wearing a wrist brace, and now the tingling is almost all gone - I know it's because I've been carrying around a small child for three years, walking in poor shoes (or no shoes around the house) and living with wood, slate and marble floors. Now with Madoc (and all that baby kit), I am really starting to feel it. My body, while probably in the best shape ever, can't keep up with all the twisting and turning. Standing, stooping, kneeling. I need a massage. Make that 365 massages. One for every day of the year.

That said, every ache and pain is worth it. My two girls are amazing.

Chase's New Song

"Madoc is a butterfly, Mommy is a caterpillar, and Daddy is a sock." Chase sang this song today. When she sang it a second time, she ended it, "Daddy is a spider." Too funny.