Friday, March 19, 2010

Letter To Madoc

Madsy, my dear Madsy, you will never know how much you mean to me. Helping the anesthesiologist put you to sleep so the ENT could insert tubes in your ears wrecked me. More than I can possibly describe.

It didn't help that the anesthesiologist recommended against the procedure at 8:30 pm last night. And your appointment was at 7:15 am this morning. And your dad wasn't here. He had to leave a day early to drive down South to beat a snowstorm (which has dumped about 8 inches in our back yard). You see, you were hospitalized with pneumonia 4 weeks ago (at the time I thought that was the worst experience ever - where I watched them insert an IV into your tiny arms, and where I spent the next four days watching numbers on a monitor while we played with hospital food, because we were so bored).

Anyway, the anesthesiologist told me he recommended 6 weeks. And it had been 3. And I cried all night long. And I called our pediatrician and he recommended doing it. You see, the problem is that we are moving. It's not really a problem. But the timing is a problem, as we are set to leave Denver next week. And the week later, we will fly to Hong Kong - to our new home. And you can't fly with ears filled with fluid. It would be way too painful. And it's possible your ear drum could rupture on the plane. And worst case, you would lose your hearing. And so you see, I was between a rock and a hard place. Two unknowns, both could hurt you so much. For the first time in my life I felt utterly paralyzed, and could only trust in and follow the advice of the ENT.

And my sweet Mads, I made a commitment to you when you were born that I would always be present for you, just as I will always be present for Chase. It sounds a little funny written down, but I will never leave your side, no matter how hard the situation. I will always be there for you. At your side. Holding your hand. Kissing your cheek.

Even now, 12 hours later, I start tearing up just thinking about it. And I thank all those that had you in their thoughts. And the stars shining down on you that kept you safe. I love you so much, Madsy. I love your smile. Your laugh. Your spunk (and girl, you've got spunk). And you are so smart. And brilliant. And brave. You will do great things with your life, my littlest darling. Stay strong and the world is your oyster.

All my love to you, my dear. Always always.