Sunday, July 05, 2009

It's Complicated.

I decided to wean Madoc this month. And then I changed my mind. I've worked so hard and come so far it's like I have a mental block against stopping; like I can't. But I want to. I want my body back - all to myself. Which strikes me as being so selfish. "C'mon woman, you can do this another5 months, right?" I keep saying to myself. It's only 5 more months. I've already given up everything for 6 months - and made all kinds of changes for the 9 months prior, so what's the big deal? I guess the big deal is that I've started to feel like I need to give myself a little tlc. I've been putting everyone first for so long. But then it's not fair that Madoc gets the short end of the stick. And so I will most likely continue. For Madoc - And because I am consumed with guilt that I want to stop. And so this post serves as a small window to show what goes through my mind. Daily. Hourly. I obsess about these things. And then I decide not to worry about them until tomorrow (very Scarlet O'hara) , but then I do.

Bottom line? Madoc looks great. She will do well either way. And I have the hardest time when I know the decision I make can not be reversed. I can't just take a week off. I can't even take a day off. And I need a break. But then, after the break, I know I will miss it. Somehow, I will miss ever last bit of it. I missed Chase the moment I realized I couldn't feed her anymore. So maybe I just won't make the decision today. Maybe I'll make it tomorrow.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I hear you. I wish I could take the guilt away. Huge glasses of wine and dinner together? Wouldn't that be lovely...
Hmmm, I know nothing I say will make that little voice go away, but maybe, just maybe, this will help a bit:

So I wanted to breastfeed Beatrice for a year. End of story - I was going to do it, even though everyone in the NHS thought 3 months was good enough and I had tons of issues starting at 4.5 months. Beatrice stopped growing, she screamed when I tried to feed her, etc. Still I was going to breastfeed. (remind me to tell you the story of the guy with the mobile camera phone and screaming baby while breastfeeding in Regent's Park)
Long, painful story short - I finally moved to half breastfeeding and half formula after an incredibly long two weeks. I felt like a TOTAL failure. After another painful, wrenching two weeks I stopped breastfeeding altogether. I felt absolutely miserable until my mother pointed out that Beatrice was doing just fine and that I wasn't going to win worst (or best) mother of the year award. Certainly not from a 5.5 month old baby who loved me no matter what.

Hope that helps a little bit. Miss you!