I decided to wean Madoc this month. And then I changed my mind. I've worked so hard and come so far it's like I have a mental block against stopping; like I can't. But I want to. I want my body back - all to myself. Which strikes me as being so selfish. "C'mon woman, you can do this another5 months, right?" I keep saying to myself. It's only 5 more months. I've already given up everything for 6 months - and made all kinds of changes for the 9 months prior, so what's the big deal? I guess the big deal is that I've started to feel like I need to give myself a little tlc. I've been putting everyone first for so long. But then it's not fair that Madoc gets the short end of the stick. And so I will most likely continue. For Madoc - And because I am consumed with guilt that I want to stop. And so this post serves as a small window to show what goes through my mind. Daily. Hourly. I obsess about these things. And then I decide not to worry about them until tomorrow (very Scarlet O'hara) , but then I do.
Bottom line? Madoc looks great. She will do well either way. And I have the hardest time when I know the decision I make can not be reversed. I can't just take a week off. I can't even take a day off. And I need a break. But then, after the break, I know I will miss it. Somehow, I will miss ever last bit of it. I missed Chase the moment I realized I couldn't feed her anymore. So maybe I just won't make the decision today. Maybe I'll make it tomorrow.