Developments

Madoc is getting her first tooth! It's on the bottom and already poking through (5 months!) - can't believe it's already time for teeth and solids. Her sleeping is still sporadic at best, but the rice cereal, in concert with formula, seems to be helping a little. That's not to say she is getting more sleep, it just seems to be *sounder.*

Last night we were awakened by our carbon monoxide detector's low battery blip; which is in Chase's room - Hubs and I must have spent 15 minutes looking for the darn thing, before we realized where it was coming from (of course it had to go off at 2 a.m.)

Chase's first day of CAMP is today. Two hours long. Two days a week. You go girl. She is SOOO looking forward to it. She helped me make her lunch this morning; too cute.

Bedtime fairy is working like a charm. She has been putting herself to sleep for a week and a half.

Hubs finished building out our side yard - extending the fence to give us an extra 600 square feet of yard for kids/dogs to enjoy.

Hubs has been working/traveling a lot. It stinks. I really don't enjoy spending weeks alone without him. It would be easier if the kids were just a little older (or if Madoc could sleep through the night). It always takes a couple days to readjust when he comes back, too. I aim to have Chase in bed by 6:30 when he's gone, and when he comes back, bed time is closer to 7:30/8, which is great because she should spend time with him after work. It is just challenging to do different schedules.

I am still doing the brown rice thing. Going on three months now. I had a couple oatmeal cookies yesterday and bloated out like crazy - my body yelled at me all night long. I don't mind eating like this, but there are some things I really want to add - like beans, legumes, tofu, nuts and miso soup.

I am struggling with the nursing thing (still). It's going well, don't get me wrong, I just don't love it. I feel horribly selfish that I want to eat cheese - and that eating cheese means I can't nurse. And it's not just cheese that I want. I just want freedom, which I haven't had in 14 months. And I know it doesn't make me a bad person, but I feel consumed with guilt, and I don't want to feed Mads formula, but I don't want to nurse her for another 6 months either. It is so complicated and I am so conflicted. I love her and the thing that gets me is that this time around I can nurse her and that if I don't that means I'm choosing not to - which is a different feeling than when you just can't nurse for some reason. Why am I not a big enough person to suck it up and nurse her/eat brown rice for another 6 months? I mean, it's only 6 more months, which is not much in the big picture and it may make a big difference in her life. And it doesn't matter that I nursed her for 5.5 months already, or that I changed my diet so she wouldn't have to be pumped full of meds for reflux. Oh the guilt. It is literally eating me alive. After June 22nd, which will mark 6 months of nursing, I will just take it one month (or maybe one week) at a time.