Breathing

So I screwed up my courage and took Mads in for a blood allergy test. They have to fill an altogether too large vile with blood and then test it for every allergy under the sun. Needless to say it was a terrible experience - and the doctor couldn't find a vein. And he scratched her with the needle coming out. And he had pink eye (we were the last patient he was going to see before his replacement came in). Bad day. And no blood. And I just can't put her through that again for a little while. So I think I am going to wait until Summer to try it again.

In the meantime, she started coughing again (just 48 hours after I took her off both inhalers) - she obviously has caught a bug, as her nose is runny this time around. And she had a minor temperature, just over 100 - and coughing.

I cried all over hubs when got home. He spent last week in Japan. Most of the week before that in China. And this week he goes to Manila. And I have to say that while I adore living abroad, I really detest feeling so alone (even though I am surrounded by friends and other wives who go through the same thing). And of course I have help with the kids, and around the house, so why exactly am I complaining? Maybe it's because I grew up with parents who were around - as in, they didn't travel to different countries each week. Maybe it's because somewhere over the past 15 years I somehow misplaced my independence - or more likely it's because I have two little people who are so utterly extremely dependent on me.

And of course most of the time I love being here and manage to keep it all together - getting the kids to their activities on time, making sure they are eating whole grains, fresh organic veg and fruit. But when Madoc starts to wheez it suddenly feels like I can't breath either. Everything gets trapped inside me. I suddenly feel sick and alone, no matter how many people offer to help.

And so after years and years of people telling me to "relax" and "don't worry so much," I have made a promise to myself to make/take 40 minutes to do yoga every day for 30 days. Not only it is incredibly difficult for me to take this time to myself, it is also incredibly difficult to quiet all the things that go through my head.

But I can say that after 7 days of yoga, I am actually starting to feel good while I'm doing it. I no longer find myself waiting for it to be over. I actually don't want it to end. And so maybe, just maybe, yoga can help me find my breath, my peace - and if that's the case, maybe some day I can hand that gift down to my girls.

Deep Breaths

So here I am, days after starting Madoc on a steroid inhaler, and I have to say I am relieved that she is better. That she is not coughing.

During this time I have been of two minds (1) I really don't want her on meds, and (2) I really need to figure out a way to gain some control over this situation. Because I get absolutely panicked when Mads starts to cough. I envy the other mums who can let their kids run around with snot hanging down to their knees and just say "he's building his immune system." For me, I never know how long it will take before Mads needs respiratory support or how serious it will be. And that feeling is a terrible, terrible feeling. And I realized that the steroids may offer a level of support I haven't had before - support that would keep Mads from going over the edge and needing antibiotics so frequently, or going to the hospital and needing lots of ventolin. So maybe that's better? At least it makes me feel a little better about our upcoming trips, because for someone who used to travel so easily, having a child with potential breathing issues certainly makes things more complicated. (I admit, I always know exactly how far away the closest hospital is when we travel)

Last night Mads came into our room and I swear her breathing was slightly shallow and faster than usual. And so, of course, I couldn't sleep. I just lay in bed listening to her breath. Trying to figure out if I should get her some Ventolin. Or if it was just in my head. Counting each inhalation. And then finally falling asleep next to her, when I had convinced myself she was alright and there was no need to panic. And of course this morning she is fine. And I'm weaning her off Ventolin so I can wean her off the steroids.

So what's the next step? We are going to have her tested for allergies. The way I see it, it will be giving us more information so we can be smarter. I am also going to enroll her in swimming to help strengthen her lungs. I am also researching diet as it relates to Asthma and airways. Reading up on medications. Researching allergy desensitization. And hoping above all else that she grows out of this soon.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

I am writing this after two years of stress and aggravation over Madoc's breathing issues. I don't know what to do. I don't know if it is because the air in Hong Kong, or if it is dust mites, or if it is viruses. I don't know what her triggers are.... All I know is every winter she gets sick at least 6 times, and it always causes breathing/respiratory issues within 12 hours of onset. I met with the doctor today and she recommended a steroid inhaler, to "manage" the problem. I feel totally sick to my stomach. I feel like surely I must be able to feed her more fish, or more green veg, more vitamin C? I think there's a time and place for meds, but surely, I must be missing something. Some small something in her diet that could make this all better. Or make her stronger, somehow, someway.

I also feel like my parenting manual (you know, the one I never got), is missing this page. I feel like I am totally at a loss when the doctor says, "okay, you can give her this drug, or this drug, or this drug," oh and yes, they all have side effects. Like Singulair, and how it was recommended to me - and yes, I used it with madoc, and I only later did research and found out that the FDA in 2009 tried to put a label on it that warned parents of a potential side effect - suicidal thinking - yah, to me that's a big one. Oh and then there's Aspertime (or however you spell it), and how dreadful it is for the body. And how Singulair goes into the bloodstream. And how Ventolin is better because it goes directly to the airways. Oh, but don't forget to brush after because it decays teeth quickly.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? Why do I see so many blazee parents running around, giving kids antibiotics like candy? I was actually at a new ballet class for Mads, one of the girls comes out and her mom is MIXING ANTIBIOTICS in front of me. Doses her child. I ask (innocently), "is she okay?" and the mom says, "oh yes." And that's it. Like she doesn't frickin care that her sick-enough-to-need-antibiotics daughter has just taken a class that involves holding other children's hands. What am I supposed to do? There is no way out. There is no right turn. Is there no supplement that can curtail this?

Is it because of the air? Is it due to dust mites? (our house is clean!) Is it change in season? Is it the pillow she uses? I am at a loss. And it makes me feel like a sucky parent not to be able to fix this without meds. And the kicker is I don't know if it would be better outside of HK. I believe at my very core that it would be better, but she had pneumonia in Denver before she was 1. She had bronchitis or pneumonia in Portland (which I believe she caught from our plane ride) ...

Or maybe she is prone and will grow out of it? It all makes me sick inside. every cough shreds me to the core. I literally feel ill when she starts to cough, like I'm going to puke everywhere. And people tell me to take it easy, not to stress .... how can I? She is a part of me. She is me. And I love her more than I can ever describe ... and it makes me tear up just thinking about it. What do I do?

Chinese New Year Notes

So I did my best not to plan a thing for us to do during Chinese New Year, and while it was tiresome (all the cooking, baking, cleaning - no Jojo!), Hubs and I managed to trade off sleeping-in days so that we could sleep into 10 am! And it felt so goooooood.

In other news, we are still awaiting word on Grand Daddy Claude. Mads' breathing is okay, but I'm afraid we're slipping back again. I talked to the doctor and he said it is because it is sooo cold here right now (7 degrees!) - and it is freezing in our house.

I have two heaters running on high in their room and it is barely taking the chill out of the air. I feel like I am living in Alaska. But how can this be? There are palm trees here. Swimming pools that are not frozen over. But somehow I have never, ever been this cold.

They say it's because your blood thins in tropical climates. I used to laugh at people who wore body-length down coats (ha! how funny they look! it never gets cold enough to....), now I wish I could find FOUR - one for each member of our family. Oh, and one for our kitty, who would sit on the heating unit if she wasn't worried it would burn her tail off.

Grand Daddy Claude

Within a few days of Great Grannie Annie (Hubs' mom's mom) passing, Great Grand Daddy Claude (Hubs' dad's dad - he just turned 97!) was hospitalized with internal bleeding. Now, nearly a week later, he is still in the hospital - and we have been receiving updates every day - and things are looking up. His levels seem to have stabilized, but the actual cause is still undetermined. And again, we are reminded how precious our time here is, and how quickly it passes -- and how important it is to make sure those around you know how much you love them.

We love you Grand Daddy Claude! So very, very much.

Chinese New Year

Leading up to Chinese New Year, the kids were asked to dress up for school ... here they are, waiting for the school bus ...

































Madsy also had a New Years event, but as she is in a mood where she only wears clothes she is comfortable in, she decided against any New Years clothing.














Decorations at Madoc's school ...














On Chinese New Year day, the girls were up early (4:15!) and after asking them to amuse themselves, I asked the girls to help me make a Chocolate Coy (fish) for a Chinese New Year party we had been invited to later in the day.... Little did I know, I would have to make 4 of them, before I actually could get the thing out of the form ...














They also did some free-form painting with chocolate ...














Mads worked hard on her fish mold ...




















Our amazing friend hosted a Chinese New Year Party for roughly 40 adults and 40 kids. And because she likes to mix it up, she selects a "theme" for dinner.... last year, the theme was Greek -- this year, the theme was Mexican.

A gorgeous smile from Miss Anabelle!














The lovely Lara ...



















The Mexican Chinese New Year feast ...




















That crazy guy who kept shakin' his morackkas (?) ...













My dearest Chase ...



















Lovely ladies ....













I made a Mexican Chocolate Mousse - chocolate, espresso, cinnamon, chili ... plus a chocolate fish!




















And then the kids got the fish ...



























Chase dressed-up like a dragon ...




















And the band (Stu & friends) started ...














And the kids went crazy ...

































































And then there was the guy who could balance a pillow on his head...














And the kid that liked to play with fire ...














And the amazingly talented band ... (who let me sing Romeo & Juliet with them) ...














And it was getting late ...














The party raged ...

































































And the band played on ...

Remembering Great Granny Annie

I am having such a hard time writing this. I've started this post a hundred different ways, because I can't seem to find the words to describe how hard it is to lose someone you love.

Yesterday a.m., Great Granny Annie passed away. And while she is Hub's grand mother, she became my grand mother, as I met her 14 years ago - she helped plan our (gorgeous) wedding, which was held in her church in Mobile, Alabama. She was always so kind, so welcoming and so generous. She was strong, smart and beautiful and absolutely committed to supporting her husband, her family and her community.

One of the hardest things about living abroad is the distance from family - in good times and bad. I am so grateful for all the memories and will treasure them; passing them down to the girls when they are old enough to remember. This is the third grand mother I have lost - my mum and dad's being the first two to go. And it strikes me deeply, as a daughter and a mother, the bonds women share and pass down through generations.

One memory I will always cherish is when I mistakenly threw a damp towel over her rocking chair and it left a big, wet mark (which much to my relief eventually dried and became invisible) - but before it did, I started to cry, thinking I had ruined her rocking chair. And she comforted me, telling me "don't cry over anything that can't cry over you."

I find solace in the fact that the last time I saw her, I told her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, and how grateful I was for her kindness.

And dearest Chase and Madoc, while you might not actually remember her, I hope this post serves to remind you later in life of how much she loved you.

Overwhelmed

I have noticed everyone seems to be asking if I had a "restful" vacation (Christmas break). And the truth is, I had a very nice, but very stressful Christmas vacation. I realize it was my own doing, as it is not unusual for me to over-schedule our lives, but as we start the New Year, I am feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, instead of "renewed" or "refreshed."

And I have to figure out how to make it all less stressful. Not just for me, but for my girls, too. Of course they have more energy than I do, and get bored easily, but seriously it seems I should be able to figure out a way around all the classes and courses. Easier said then done.

A Note About First Born

Chase had some big questions tonight just before bed. Like, "what was my third favorite word when I was a baby?" (good thing I kept a blog, although I'm not sure I actually documented that)

She also asked me tonight, "Mommy, are first born children the best?" To which I said, "You are my most special first born child. Because you were born first. You will always be my first born child. I love you always and forever, no matter what." And then she said, "what about Madoc?" And I said, "Madoc is my most special second born child. Because she was born second. She will always be my second born child. I love her always and forever, no matter what."

And Chase smiled, turned over, and went to sleep.

Let Them Eat Cake

So we went to a birthday party this afternoon, and after the girls were finished with their cake, this is what their plates looked like. Note: Chase ate only cake, while Mads ate only frosting.